1. |
Crude/Bland
01:22
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I have a lukewarm bath before I clean my teeth
I do a clean-sweep jobby daily, guaranteed
Toast with no butter and a cup of cold tea
Cos I'm a short back and sides motherfucker you see
I'm like a mannequin from Burtons with atrocious breath
I get a semi in IKEA every weekend
Everything is boring but it's out of my hands
So I put up no resistance cos existence is bland
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2. |
You Know Me Um?
01:04
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Borstal mark and twelve convictions
You smell jail, I see a victim
Trying not to meet my stare
Trying to pretend I'm not there
You tryin tae fuckin walk away?
You fuckin deef or somethin mate?
I'll take and El-D bottle tae your face
Cos I don't think you know me um
YOU KNOW ME UM?!
Fuck your warrant, Officer
I've done fuck-all to any cunt
Your stab-proof vest and stupit hat
Fuck-all against a baseball bat
I took your motor through the park
With sirens on, some fuckin laugh
By the time you clock that I've fucked off
It's too late to respond
YOU KNOW ME UM?!
There's nothing left for me to wreck
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3. |
Tour De Backwards
00:48
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Went and got all the gear
A pointy helmet out of Halfords
And a GoPro
And the spandex out of Sports Direct
I'm getting erect
Over the handlebars we go
Inciting carnage on the road
A Cinquecento pulled out the junction and fucked right into me
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4. |
Postal Bogus
00:40
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Incarnate disinformation
Eat my pamphlet, Ignoramus
Extreme discomfort, consternation, constipation
Ludicrous flights of imagination
I already have your name
I already have you address and postcode
Whether you like it or not
I'm here and I'm signing you up for the 12-month deal
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5. |
Grammer Nazi
00:25
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6. |
This Weekend Only
00:24
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Bargains
Savings
Only this weekend
Fuck me!
10 alsatians for £1!
80% off fondue gun!
Plastic bumhole half-price when you buy a gallon of anti-freeze!
Burden of doubt as standard
All burning couches must go
Terms and conditions applied to your jaw absolutely free
You'd be a fucking idiot to miss it
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7. |
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Blessed be your stinking corpse
We gather round this wooden box
To grieve, to cry, to eat steak pie
To-OH MY FUCKING GOD HE'S ALIIIIVE!!!
How dare you! You monster, you liar, you bastard!
You impudent, death-faking cunt!
How the fuck could you do this to us?!
How the fuck could you do this to us?!
The church, the congregation, invitations to the wake
I had to pay for a buffet but you woke up and ruined the day
Fuck that, I'm raging, he can't get away with this
Thought he was gone but the bastard was faking it
Best part of five hundred quid on arranging this
Get back in that coffin now!
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8. |
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Ooooarrrggghhhhh...
That turgid tassle
That stinky pinky
Her halitosis
His deep vein thrombosis
She stopped and stubbed a fag out on his knackers
Mate, you should have seen his face
The satisfaction and pain
I must admit I feel somewhat uncomfortable
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9. |
Double Sonic Michael
00:38
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I can't compete
It's Bolton and McDonald versus me
Annhilated by a white-man's-soul tag team
Bombarded with a streak of number ones
Now I've got a Grammy embedded in my skull
I was minding my own business when these cunts appeared
Blow-dried behemoth with silvery beard
Billowing mane and a half open shirt
They sang in my face and it fucking well hurt
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10. |
Scran
00:38
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Ravenous, skint from the blues and the booze
So I thought I'd hit the Chinese Buffet in the town
I piled my plate high, then I was out the door
When the waiter grabs my shoulder saying
HEY YOU NO PAY FOR THAT WHERE YOU GO COME BACK PLEASE
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!
Bomb it! Before he phones the scum
He's got a face full of rice, sauce and chicken foo-yung
I'm laughing so fuckin hard I can barely run
I've got a fork in my pocket and I'm taking it home
I got a taxi up the road but I never even paid
I just gave the cunt the fingers then I ran away
All in all I'd say it's a productive day
So I phone a take-away from the Chinese Buffet
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11. |
Compliment Sandwich
00:40
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You're a fucking disgrace and a swell human being
A body to die for, a face like the Queen
The voice of an angel, the mind of a fish
I could kiss you if you didn't reek of pish
I'm super-impressed, you unbearable twat
Exceptional slacks and ridiculous hat
I hope you fall asleep and miss your bus (nice to be nice)
I hope your house gets repossessed cos it's nice to be nice
I hope you get infected with the clap (nice to be nice)
I hope your arse turns inside out cos it's nice to be nice
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12. |
Duff Ecky: Comedown
00:58
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13. |
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The flies arrive...fried rice maggots in your orifi, scabs for eyes
Splitting of skin, no known next of kin, stuffed in a wheelie bin
Flesh sloughs off in sheets like lasagne
Hemorrhage piss, you're falling to bits, you're stinking of shit
Gonna take a picture, gonna tweet it to my friends
Let's poke it and prod it
Let's burn it and see how it smells
Let's take it back home, put it in a daft pose then we'll dress it up in your maw's clothes
Let's have fun at some dead cunt's expense
Gelatinous mass...bowels blowing up with gas, seep out your arse
Inflating your head, your arms and your legs, twisting your expression in unnatural ways
Acrid acid belch pierce the silence
About to erupt, your ready to burst and now some poor cunt's gonna need to clean it all up
It starts with a rumble
A thunderous, deafening fart
A geyser of urine and faeces and mucus mixed in with your liquidised guts
Offal, bone and putrefaction
Rotten carnage crap explosion
All over my face and in my mouth
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Ego Def Productions Glasgow, UK
Some guy in Glasgow. I like to make tunes and draw stuff.
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